All I wanted was a stinkin glass of water before I went to bed. I thought the only problem that would arise from that was me having to wake up and take a leak in a few hours like every other night since I became an old man. Instead I get my drink, go to lock the front door and almost get into fisticuffs with a deadly lethal scorpion with a rocket laser stinger. At first I thought it was a cricket or something so I turned the light on and it was like a foot away from my foot and it curled its tail up and I swear it growled at me. Like a lion or something. I have already blanked out the incident completely in my mind to be locked away forever however if I recall, it looked something like the Arizona Bark Scorpion, also known as the Arizona deadly scorpion, only 1000 times larger. Kinda the size of the Rock and all CGI like. Nah, it was kinda small, but my mom woke up from all of my girly like screaming, swooped in and slayed the beast. You know how I know you’re gay? Dude, shut up. She’s killed like 4 scorpions now and that was the first one I’ve even seen alive. What would you guys have to read every… 4 or 5 days… if I died from a scorpion bite. Yeah, yeah, the odds of a human dying from a deadly scorpion bite is pretty low this day and age, especially for a 6 foot 1, 200 pound stud like me with a rocket laser arm, but still. I need to make it to see the Eagles tomorrow. An Eagle would kick the crap out of a scorpion, it wouldn’t even be funny. Who’s laughing now scorpion. It’s late. I’m going to bed. If I can sleep now.

I’m currently watching: Saturday Night Live